Sibling Rivalry 101

I think you’ve got to have the right attitude when you’re dealing with sibling rivalry. As a parent, I always knew I had to treat both of my sons equally and fairly. But I admit there were times when I would slip up. Favouring one child over the other because he smiled more and was well-behaved wasn’t right. So I held myself accountable each time I was about to deliver a lecture that sounded like a long-winded Shakespearean soliloquy.

When my sons were eight and five years old, we were on our way to a Saturday matinee. I wanted to see it too. They were in the back seat of the van chatting,  teasing, sniping, then insulting–arguing over who was smarter than the other. Then suddenly the word ‘stupid’ reared its hurtful head. I wasn’t impressed. I pulled over, my imaginary referee jersey on, and I blew my imaginary whistle, declaring a penalty. I decided that the movie was off.

Following through on my decision was tough. I said it so I had to live it! I drove home. At the time, I silently thought that I punished myself too. There was silence in the car and again at home. Luckily it lasted only for a few hours. Thank goodness they weren’t mind readers or else my effectiveness quotient would have dropped in the toilet.

We tried again the following Saturday and the movie was great. Everyone was happy and I was proud that I stuck to my guns.  Phew! Congrats Mom and kids!

Now that my sons are married and have children of their own, I watch how they handle sibling rivalry in their families. I’m reminded of some of the tricks I used to break up fights.

But before you read through my coping strategies, take a deep breath and reminisce about the first day each child entered your life. It was a pretty amazing, warm and fuzzy moment, huh? Hang on to that thought. You likely also saw the differences immediately–in character and personality, right? So with that in mind, and after much trial and error, here are my ways of minimizing the tension between children:

• Listen and acknowledge feelings. Everyone wants to be heard. Listening gives everyone, including you, a chance to calm down.
• Avoid making comparisons. Focus on their individual gifts and cash in on their differences. Leverage their weaknesses and play on their strengths.
• Try not to get in the middle. Unless safety is an issue, siblings eventually work things out.
• Implement freedom of expression: Allow each child to express anger and resentment. Then teach them how to be constructive, not destructive with it. Ask them to walk in each other’s shoes during trying moments. Role playing works.
• Set clear boundaries. Personal space and personal belongings are typically the root causes of sibling rivalry. Children need help setting boundaries, understanding them, and respecting them.

Next time you hear name calling, objects being hurled in the air, or bickering, grab a cup of tea, breathe in, walk to the scene of the “crime”… and just listen. Then teach.